Why your English research paper sucks

I have been hearing about ideas for research projects the past week. Frankly, I am bored of the same old ideas and overdone topics. Are you wondering what topics are way overdone? Maybe you are old and have been out of school for a while or, you are about to do a research paper or better yet, you are only eight years old and reading this blog. Where are your parents?! So here is a list of things not to write about:
Underage drinking. Only people underage write about this and the arguments are weak. Wait a few more years.
Legal Weed. Unless you are addressing the impact legalization of marijuana would have on arable land use in the western united states, pick a new topic.
Flag Burning. I am yawning over this topic because it does not matter.
Gay Marriage. This would be interesting and cutting edge if the paper came out 20 years ago. Now it seems more like a cop out.
Old People. I do not know what one hopes to research on this topic.

Why shouldn't you write about these things? Practical reasons really. Your English teacher has heard these same arguments too many times. You will get a markedly worse grade unless you discover a new cure for aids or economic theory and even then you are scratching for beans in the African desert. The teacher will be so bored they will skim right over the great new discovery and your credit will never come to fruition. Also, if you ever hope to use a professional writing sample to get a job, a paper on the benefits of illicit drug use or economic positives of prostitution will give your resume syphilis. You may think that because Sarah Palin talks about these things on her Twitter page that they are imprtant. Do not fool yourself. I have a feeling that her english grades were not as good as mine are.

I realize that I have worried many of you and shown you how drab your colorful imagination really is. So to apologize I will give a few examples that can earn you an A without any more than a thesis staement.
What really killed the Dinosaurs? Everyone wants to know and you do not need to provide conclusive proof plus, you can put a picture of T-Rex on the cover and your teacher will be too distracted to notice the logical fallicies and ill conceived arguements within the pages.
Brazillian Ethanol and the U.S. tarrifs. This almost sounds like a love story. Everyone loves romance.
Times New Roman as the standard font for assingments. There are books about font design and a reason why Times New Roman is preferred. Find out and I bet your teacher does not know why she requires it.
How Smoking will solve America's debt crisis. This may sound wild but as long as more people in China smoke and become sick, America can hide behind a literal smoke screen of Red Giant cigarettes.

The above ideas will help guide you to a better grade. Papers are easy as long as the system and writer are friends. Remember that and forget about writing on topics the unwashed masses think important.