Is there such thing as Too Hip?

Hipsters, the anti-cool, do not think Federal funding is good for them. Look, a news story about it is here. The article is all about cool kids not wanting filling out forms for government funding. O, I guess I am not cool enough to not want my city represented or to get bothered by convicted felons a.k.a. census takers. So what reason do these kids give for not filling the census out? No one cares about us anyway. Emo is Back and I have already begun slitting my writes and wearing eyeliner while listing to Lifetime. Don't know who Lifetime is? Wow, you obviously have a better life than I do. You were probably playing 7 minutes in heaven while I was wallowing Somewhere in the Swamps of Jersey and nursing my wounds so graciously gifted to me by my favorite bullies. You were probably wiping lipstick off your face while I was wiping toilet water out of my eyes. No one cares about ME! That is why I fill out the Census and why I am going to help the public understand what goes through these Hipster minds. I want to help by profiling certain hipsters and showing you what they look like starting with the Bikester.

Bikester

Profile:
These kids love bikes more than human beings. The best feeling to them is that penetration their leather saddles induces between their bony cheeks. Many choose to "connect" to the road through the use of fixed gears. Essentially, fixed gears allow for non-stop pedaling because if the rider choses to stop, the pedals turn into shin grinders and leave hipster filet all over the streets.


Habitat:
Bikersters tend to be found in Urban areas. Cities with high density bikester populations are Portland OR, Austin TX, Brooklyn NY, They travel in packs and can become very territorial sometimes forming gangs and administering U-Lock justice.

Mating Habits:
They are often brightly colored to attract mates and have strange mating dances. They often involve forward pelvic trusts and a flinging upward motion with the arms. This "King of the World" pose shows the skill and daring of a Bikester as he forces the back tire to skid and releases the handlebars.


How can you figure out if you are actually seeing a Bikester? Ask him why fixed gears are better than technology and he will begin talking about bike riding in a spiritual manner and during what seems to be a sermon with fewer facts than a Glenn Beck newscast. Ba-da-bing!